“My Dad: Living with Another “Ricky Ricardo”

         I don’t know about you, but my all time favorite comedy show remains being the “I Love Lucy.” show. What a bunch of hilarious characters!  Well, I have lived with my own set of “characters” as I’m sure you could say the same about your family, right?

   Rolando Agustin Avila is the closest thing to living with a typical Ricky Ricardo. If you know anything about astrology, ne is a May baby, a total Taurus! Born on May 4, 1940. “Spring-chicken”, some have said. {rolling my eyes}. What’s that axiom, “it’s not how old you are but how young you feel”? I’m sorry but, that’s absolutely delusional. He still thinks he is that rooster and that can be a “problema”!  Parents: Juana and Andres Avila. Second son, first son was Andres (Andy) and last child,  Birthplace: Cienfuegos, Cuba.  Interesting name “Cienfugos,” (cien, “one hundred”, fuegos,

“fires”). My “papi” was definitely born with a hundred or more passions (fires) burning deep within him! 

One of those passions/fires is music. A natural and good  singer! A natural born dancer, percussionist, guitar and piano player; has the gift of writer and poet, and let’s not forget, a natural born girl-watcher, too.

A passionate reader, a seeker of truth. A friendly personality , affectionate and with a good sense of humor. A man of duty and 100% patriot! (you can imagine what he thinks about Obama! Yikes!)

Dad has the extraordinary gift of teacher and speaker which he continues developing . His love for electronics has yet to dim since he was sixteen. However, he’s still a man, with “guy-things”. Example , his best way to fix something is banging it a couple times, just like Ricky Ricardo would do. Funny, sometimes that really works. :)

  He self-taught himself the in’s and out’s of one of his passions, architect. Is passionate in gardening, a handyman in just about everything we women think of when we hear that word.

   I honestly can’t remember a time when my dad wasn’t  with his guitar and a song coming through his windpipes. He practically crooned my mom into falling into that thing called “amor.” He’d take her out on walks before the wedding bells chimed down the long avenues of Brooklyn, New York, murmuring about the stars and moon, all the while singing in her ear the very romantic songs by Johnny Mathis, melodies every seventeen, naive, young girl dreams of having sung to her. Her favorite Mathis song was  “A Handful of Stars.” Ironic since he would use the astros as a theme for making the girls swoon.

He was also what I call, a “sly dog.” Here, you be the judge.. He’d walk Adria (mom) home before her curfew hour, slap  a quick peck of a kiss and say, “Honey, I’m going straight home.”  (That’s be a red flag for me but then again , I’m cynical) Now, from where Mom lived to where he lived, it was probably over twenty blocks radius. Can you smell a sneak?  Well, this 5 ft. 9”, 120 lbs peep-squeak, slightly cocky, cute, thin mustache and dressy guy would set off then and go into every dance club! Excuse me!? Didn’t he just say, “I’m going straight home”?  From midnight to two or three in the morning you’d find him dancing the jitterbug, the cha-cha-cha,  every style of Cuban dance ever invented and, mind you, not just with one girl but with all  the girls in that room! 

He definitely wasn’t dumb! He had his security at home in her bed like a good little girl, (my dreamy-eyed mom) a few blocks away while he danced the night away. Mom would find it odd that at every dance room they’d go to Friday nights  everyone knew the Cuban dance machine “Ronnie”. (le just call him Ricky Ricardo, rolling those r’s!) All the curvy gals, starting from the red hair Irish to the blond blue eye “gringas” would wave him over, calling out his name as a good ol’ friends do. Mom would just smile and pretend she had no idea but she was catching up to his “innocent smile.” Maybe it’s just me, but I’d have clobbered him exactly like “Lucy Ricardo” did many times!

At seventy-one (yes, I’m actually younger than him, by the way he talks it’s as if I gave him birth!) Sixty years hasn’t changed him, he’s been caught rocking out with rap music!.  (Talk about embarrassing!) Shocked? No, I’d be stunned into an early grave if he hadn’t tried it!  Scary, huh!?  That’s my Rrrrrricky Rrrrrrricarrrrdo. Now you make the call, “sly dog” or not?

   I nevertheless need to give him credit for many of my loves. Music, dance, reading and writing, all bloomed from watching dad practicing a new song, reading for hours whether it was some new electronic manual or philosophy book, it was his example to know for himself that inspired me to prove many theories and possibilities for myself. 

Of course, he was a genius at seven!  (That’s what all Cubanos say about their children, and which he said about himself ! Spare me!) Humility exudes!

   As a “father,” I can only speak for myself.  I was never “Daddy’s little girl.” My relationship was based (and still is) on deep respect, honor and obedience. He never had a reason to get cross with me, but that magical bond fathers have and build with their daughters was never emphasized.  No one’s to blame, circumstances dictated much of it, however, he has been a good father and I am very thankful and blessed to have had him, and is as of yet by my side. No one could ever really take the place of a father

   Accepting this lifelong condition (as I viewed it) has never been something he easily accepted. At times, I think he’s still adapting since this condition degenerates the body gradually and therefore, bringing its changes.  He has had the facility of detaching emotionally from us and things but, it shouldn’t be confused with not caring rather it is more as a defense mechanism. I often wonder how I’d have reacted [as a man/father] after being told his seven year old had Muscular Dystrophy and would last the maximum of fourteen.  Nevertheless, this set other wheels turning. His natural propensity to finding the “true church” became his looming search, almost an obsession.  We three, mom, Tanya and myself were dragged to every church, cult, sect, “hallelujah healers” that he felt necessary, always seeking the peace he couldn’t feel , both spiritual and intellectual confirmation he believed was vital if he was to make commitments and raise his children in.

    The key question that kept churning and was never answered satisfactorily was, “Where did you receive the authority to officiate as minister and speak in God’s name?” This stumped every pastor, bishop, healer, etc. We’d sisters of 6 (Tanya) and I (7 ½) would exhale a collective sigh of relief.  After visiting church after church, going to healers and being exposed to some of the biggest nuts I’ve ever met, it was a nice breather to hear him tell Mom, “No, they don’t have the answers.”  Three long years of this search was enough for my little rebellious soul!

    The summer of 1970 had somewhat calmed his religion-seeking drive until he was secretly made to meet the missionaries of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) one June evening. It was plotted between my grandma and mother to have these “greenie”  (brand new) missionaries to show up Wednesday night and share their message.  Punctually at seven o’clock there was a soft knock on the door.  Mom let them in, they presented themselves to my dad. (I only remember Elder Cruz).  The conversation started and ended three hours after.

Five visits followed the initiatiory one. He made it a Bible class for those missionaries , sending them off with homework before the next visit. These two skinny, scared nineteen year old boys. learned more from dad’s inquiries than they were prepared for!  But, as a Mexican comedian would say” “No contaban con mi astucia!” [“you forgot to count my astuteness”]. They did their homework and answered every question intelligently. Then, after being grinded Elder Cruz, stood up, solemn, firm and looking straight into my dad’s hazel eyes spoke, “So, are you ready to be baptized and commit to God, Brother Avila?”  “No, I’m still smoking.” The young but determined Elder said, “Ask God to take this urge away, He will answer!”  Remembering back to those days, I saw my dad lose that addictive urge from one day to the next!  Awesome!, I ask you, “Does God answer prayers?” You think about it. (I leave you with that as homework).

  Becoming members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has shaped my Dad as well as my entire family’s life for the last 40 years. 

   Religion, with all it’s values, standards, morals, viewpoints always creates an environment in the home.  I’m grateful Dad has always had that indomitable seeking desire to understand God, to become a better person, to enjoy life and find some good in most tough situations. To give you a picture of this, there comes to mind a poignant incident in which my sister Tanya asked him “Daddy, why do you think we’re all sick?” innocent as a child of eleven or so. Wisdom poured forth from dad’s lips to babes ears, “You and your sisters purpose is to bring glory to God! "You three need to make sure you live everyday as an example of this.” He kissed his “woo-loo-loo” (Tanya-- he has nicknames for each of us. I can’t stand this! ) I felt a deep burning, what I now recognize as a deep testimony, assurance, that this was the truth and still know to be true after thirty years.

"WHEN DEATH’S DOOR OPENS: Mama’s Last Day”

“At funerals our tears are genuine, but not because of termination-rather because of interruption. Though just as wet, our tears are not of despair but are of appreciation and anticipation. Yes, for disciples, the closing of a grave is but the closing of a door which later will be flung open with rejoicing.” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell; "'All Hell Is Moved,'" p. 181)

      If anyone would’ve told me Mama would be the first to leave this earth and leave us three daughters in this journey, I’d have laughed in the idiocy of such a contemplation uttered.  Now that it makes five years this day, it’s still inconceivable.  Five years is but a twinkling of an eyes in heaven’s grandiosity. Nevertheless, five years for me, has felt like a millstone around my neck.

    Mama had arrived home after being hospitalized for three days due to the beginning of an pneumonia but they had cleared it up enough to send her home comfortably and secure the situation was stable. The house always had an unnatural feeling without Mama’s presence and so it remains, for me, again.

   The twenty-fifth of June, 2006 started as natural as routine for all of us. It was a beautiful Sabbath day, the regular nursing care was here and everything ran smooth to what “smooth” can be considered in the Avila household. Mama was an early riser so by six I could hear her nurse getting her breakfast and her TV sounding quite vibrantly with “The Spoken Word with The Mormon Tabernacle.”  I felt a deep sense of peace and a prayer of gratitude that Mama was back in her normal surroundings.  That day had a strange twist to it, especially in the fact that dad stayed with her all afternoon and evening after arriving from church. There were no meetings or choir practice to attend to, nothing pressing, so he sat by her bed and they watched the Lakers, a movie and had lunch together which was never common.  By what I was told from a reliable source, Mama was in deep serenity and with a countenance of contentment, and peace. Healthwise everything was stable.  We four, Liza, Tanya, Mama and I were always keeping tabs on each other through the nurses, caregivers, phone or letters.  No one was ever ignorant as to each other's going on.

    Late that night Tanya called Mama from her place downstairs and they chatted about the usual when out of the blue mama said, “Tanya , I don’t want to die.” Tanya reassured her that everything was all right, asked mama if she felt ill again and the reply was no, that she was feeling well but very tired.  Tanya kept calming mama’s unfounded fears and told her to rest, that all would be fine. 

   Now, I’ve always heard and firmly believed that the Lord gives us certain presentiments and feelings as to when our time on earth is coming full circle.

Mama was no exception.  That night, around one or so, her nurse woke me up and told me Mama was very restless, hallucinating and talking with her dad. This didn’t shock me, Mama always talked out loud to her father and had many dreams about him, so, my suggestion was to give her a tea and her anxiety relaxer  but, that didn’t help much. Her conversation with her father continued till dawn. The nurse was clearly beside herself since Mama’s vital signs were normal yet she was extremely nervous and anxious. Six in the morning woke me up with a tap on my shoulder by the nurse asking for a sleeping pill Mama was asking for. I was disturbed by this, she seldom had a problem in getting to sleep. I acceded with the condition that she only take half if she asked for it again. Nearly eight, she aroused and asked for the pill and kept saying “I’m so tired, I need to sleep, I need to sleep.”  She was administered less than half of the pill, gently she started drifting off. Dad got to her room a few minutes after eight and she told him, “I'm just tired, I need to sleep, it hurts here.” She pointed to her heart. Dad can’t seem to ever react to these matters so, he asked me what to do, I asked him to check her blood pressure and color.  Obviously, it had shot down but not very much though she was very pale. “Call 911,” I said.  Her caregiver rushed into my room with tears, “What do I do?”   Dad had stepped out to his room as my caregiver Angelica and Mama’s caregiver Eli, went to check on Mama, Dad returned to her room at the same time, seconds after, he stood by my bedside and broke down, “She’s gone.” Angelica just looked at her and knew and sauntering into my room with streaming tears, she spoke in a hush, “your mother isn’t there anymore Debbie.”

Overwhelmed, hearing my sister Liza’s loud sobs, I remember repeating “Go wake her up, go!”   I can’t help but think of Lazarus death and the desperation of his devoted sisters Martha and Mary.  Allow me to share these verses with you.  Watch the Savior’s reaction as well as Martha’s strengthened faith, and Mary’s humbling reach.  I urge you to read the full chapter.

·         John 11: 1-5;11-45

·         1Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister ^aMartha.

·         2^a(It was that Mary which anointed the ^bLord with ^cointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.)

·         3Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.

·         4When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the ^aglory of God, that the Son of God might be ^bglorified thereby.

·         5Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.

·         11These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may ^aawake him out of sleep.

·         12Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall ^ado well.

·         13Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.

·         14Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.

·         15And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may ^abelieve; nevertheless let us go unto him.

·         16Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellowdisciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him.^a

·         17Then when Jesus came, ^ahe found that he had lain in the grave four days already.

·         18Now Bethany was nigh unto Jerusalem, about fifteen ^afurlongs off:

·         19And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.

·         20Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met him: but Mary sat still in the house.

·         21Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

·         22But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will ^agive it thee.

·         23Jesus saith unto her, Thy brother shall rise again.

·         24Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day.

·         25Jesus said unto her, I am the ^aresurrection, and the ^blife: he that ^cbelieveth in me, though he were ^ddead, yet shall he ^elive:

·         26And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never ^adie. Believest thou this?

·         27She saith unto him, Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the ^aSon of God, which should come into the world.

·         28And when she had so said, she went her way, and called Mary her sister secretly, saying, The Master is come, and calleth for thee.

·         29As soon as she heard that, she arose quickly, and came unto him.

·         30Now Jesus was not yet come into the town, but was in that place where Martha met him.

·         31The Jews then which were with her in the house, and comforted her, when they saw Mary, that she rose up hastily and went out, followed her, saying, She goeth unto the grave to weep there.

·         32Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

·         33When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,

·         34And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

·         35Jesus wept.

·         36Then said the Jews, Behold how he ^aloved him!

·         37And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?

·         38Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a ^astone lay upon it.

·         39Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

·         40Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the ^aglory of God?

·         41Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I ^athank thee that thou hast heard me.

·         42And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast ^asent me.

·         43And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, ^aLazarus, come forth.

·         44And he that was ^adead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a ^bnapkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

·         45Then many of the Jews which came to Mary, and had seen the things which Jesus did, believed on him.

My craving  and desperate cry to have someone awake Mama gives me a glimpse into the type and quality of faith, hope and trust I had at that moment, I compare it to that of a child. It brought Martha and Mary’s test of faith on Jesus’ words, that if they’d  just believe , they would see His power and love manifested right before their eyes. I kept rehearsing this in my mind “Debbie, keep this faith alive, (in Jesus Christ) and I, too, would see God’s power and promise fulfilled. One beautiful spectacular day, my beloved Mama would arise, healthy and happy as I see her in my mind’s eye, too. And, that I would and will no longer cry.

    I recently came across a wonderful scripture verse that has caused me to rejoice.  Psalms 126:5 ”Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Deni  Foster in her blog, shares her viewpoint on this scripture verse beautifully. “We often read, “As you sow, so shall you reap.” - yet here, God gives us something different to hold on to.  Something hopeful.  Many of us who face chronic challenges sow many tears.  How good it is to know that God tells us that the tears that we sow are not in vain - one day, they will manifest themselves in joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to even consider the concept of joy.  Yet, Scripture tells us much about joy - and that it is joy that God wants for us.  So many of our plights are the result of living in a fallen world.  So many things we have so little control over.

Yet, tucked away in the book of Psalms is this short verse, promising us we will one day know joy.  Our tears will not have been shed in vain - in fact, they are preparing the way for our future joy.

I once heard a saying that we don’t know what “good” feels like, until the pain goes away.  I’d have to say ‘Amen’ to that.  I took so much for granted when my health was good.  Simply picking up my purse and walking out the door to the car has changed into a production number of walkers, and chairlifts, emergency bags for unexpected allergic reactions, medications.  Looking back, I now know what ‘good’ was - and I didn’t even know it.

Yet, I do believe I will still see good in this lifetime.

The Psalmist told us in  Psalm 27:13,  “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”

It may not be the goodness we expect.  But it will be the goodness of the Lord - and it will be here - in the land of the living.

That gives me hope.  It fills me with anticipation of things to come.

This unexpected event, though mentally understood and spiritually accepted and comforted by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, this “graduation to our higher education” has jolted us all into personal growth.

       We are taught by the Lord Himself how we are to live and relate to each other as family and friends and children of God.   “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die...” ( Doctrine and Covenants 42:45)

     For me, Mama remains very close, her presence highlights my everyday as I seek to follow her examples. I do weep for my loss as a daughter and yet, I can and do rejoice that we lived together in love through the bitter and the sweet forty-five years. I am grateful that she lived a quiet and righteous life and has ultimately been encircled in the arms of the Lord’s love.

     It’s a tough day for my sister and I.  Nevertheless, as sisters, we cling to each other in the knowledge that Mama continues to watch over us.  I love these words: “Death is a mere comma, not an exclamation point!” (Ensign, May 1983, p. 11 Elder Neal A. Maxwell)

"PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE"

I’m drawn to this subject more and more everyday. There are so many times I catch myself feeling aggravated or frustrated over an undone chore or the poor results of my efforts and endeavor to get this or that done.  People’s unkindness, behaviors tainted with impure motives and everything this probationary estate entails gets my craw!

I keep pacing inside my head, wearing out the floor of my mind, seeking new understanding and vision; wanting to shake my day upside down like that little game with beads inside and slots to fit each bead in as you carefully and with precision try to slide each bead into the vacant hole! ( I’m sure you’ve had one of these frustrating games.) That’s exactly how I feel some days.  (A hug on those days fit in so perfectly, don’t they? :)

   I remind myself of that well-known adage, “ Deborah, remember the patience of Job.”  (that in and of itself drives my blood pressure soaring). I whisper to my very active conscience “Thanks Lord, I feel so much better now!  NOT! Shhheeesh!”

    I regularly read the following scripture verses: maybe you do, too.

Romans 8:25  But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

Luke 21:19  In your patience possess ye your souls.

James 1:3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

James 1:4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing

   What kind of “work” is James referring to, how do we “possess our souls,” are there different kinds of patience? Where am I on this measuring stick?

I especially love these two quotations by my #1 Church Authority, the late Elder Neal A. Maxwell.

“Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances. “ ("Patience," p. 216)

Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being willing, ,nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the "process of time." ("Patience," p. 215.)

In my life’s journey I rarely have had respite periods and which I call “Sandals” moments. (reference to the vacationing resort) To show you how real this is, I was texting a good friend of mine the other day and said, “Shirl, I’m feeling scared...” “Why? She asked. “There’s something wrong but I’m having too much peace and respite” I answered. Her reply was that the Adversary was trying to make me miserable and I should shun those thoughts. I’m used to struggles and more challenges than a sandals break.

        I made a two column experiment. On one side I wrote, “Disadvantages of Patience and on the other, Advantages of Patience. I couldn’t come up with one concrete disadvantage! Except for “Immediate relief would let me keep my momentum.”  (However, getting something faster than in God’s timing isn’t always a smart end result). I thought to myself , “What! Are you kidding me!? There had to be at at least one valid disadvantage!” Well, there is, the fact of spending wasting precious time looking for one, which is contrary to our goal, am I correct? 

Everything that comes from God is good whether we see it or not at that moment.  Patience is definitely a lifelong endeavor and pursuit. Rushing to obtain it is a sign of impatience.  Without a doubt, patience must have its time in order to have its work within us.

       I jotted down over 20 advantages to having the Virtue of Patience, I’m going to mention the five advantages I feel most beneficial to my understanding.

1. Patience renews exhausted /tried faith, it gently whispers  that everything will somehow work itself out as they need to be in order to receive a hearty harvest.  It prevents us to give up when it gets tough. We exercise our belief enough to keep  walking onward. We will tend to see things with hope, not in anger or disappointment but with the assurance that The Higher Power is working things out for our ultimate good.

2. Patience blesses us with the need to stop in our tracks and enjoy what is or isn’t at the moment. For example, I almost jump with joy when I don’t have a runny nose due to allergies. (that’s something we wouldn’t notice if we never stopped going like an energetic bunny. Patience has often had the effect of opening my mind and heart to new and deeper level of understanding in certain problems and given me answers to prayers. 

3. Patience promotes perspective, the need to maintain a healthy balance in life. I try to review my life weekly in order to see where I’ve been and how I’m coming along; sometimes to assess and other times to pat myself in the back.  Maintaining an eternal / long-term perspective allows our souls to mature as a fruit. We also set reasonable goals, short and long term ones without condemning ourselves for not achieving it at a specific time or for losing direction.  Patience bars us from punishing ourself—something we members do so well and women win the Nobel Prize at! (Don’t ask me why).

4. Patience keeps us trusting in God, mankind and in ourselves. There are so many unknowns attached to life that we are naturally forced to trust because we certainly can’t control everything. We trust there will be some good awaiting us during and after the darkness.  Personally, I have a deep need to keep trusting in Heavenly Father’s timetable for me.

5. Patience keeps me humble. This, to me, is how we “possess our souls.” Impatience creates in us a false belief that we can do it all by ourself.  In the virtue/gift of humility we are enticed to do good more often without needing instant gratification or “opening the oven door too often to see if the cake is done” as Elder Maxwell said once.

   Isn’t it funny we all have an aversion toward impatient people?  Dang, it just pushes me over the edge!  Yet, we are exactly as those when we stomp our feet at Heavenly Father and have our tantrums and pity-parties, or when we punish ourselves at making a boo-boo that are usually erasable with—PATIENCE!  Ironic, huh?

      I find that the more I practice and ask for this virtue, the greater my love for God and others grows and as this continues, the happier I am, not because everything is exactly as I wish but because I know all is well and will be well. 

      I urge you to seek diligently and prayerfully this much needed gift and virtue and I solemnly promise you’ll see such a beautiful and lasting peace enter your heart and home, work, any activity you take on.  Above all, you will understand the Lord’s great love for you and, you will love Him even more.  A new world will open!