“Double Whammy Questions”

 Two questions I’m repeatedly  asked, almost simultaneously,  are “Why aren’t you angry being in this condition, and “How can you be happy being like this?”  My sarcastic side revs up like a Harley Davidson [which I love] and my big mouth spits out as a rebel wearing a black leather jacket and high boots, “Well, you can’t be angry and happy at the same time fool!” Yeah, I agree, these questions are very sincere and are always asked in the spirit of sincere seeking, an honest heart and needing to understand the lack of bitterness.

I have had enough time sitting on my butt [literally] and being bedridden since I turned ten to ask myself those questions which at first sight are kind of silly, in my book, yet psychologically carry some depth.  I understand why they’re asked. My trials are very apparent and naturally, they create a sleuth of “how’s and why’s” in peoples mind.  Well, the answers are never very easy and never quite as complicated either.

I can’t say I’ve never been angry because of wanting to do something and not being able to or having to depend on another for just about everything  –it’s  human to go through these raw feelings, and at times even necessary to ponder the unknowns.. Many times I have wanted to kick a few butts  and have had this long standing vision of lining up all the weirdos in my life and running right in front of them, holding the palm of my hand open and slapping them, like running your fingers across a keyboard with great agility and gusto!  BEAUTIFUL ! No?  However, I don’t believe I’ve ever resented “a condition.” –cause that’s what it is, it’s not just mine, it has touched millions of lives. 

I’ve struggled and wept, and have had long talks with the Lord about many things in order to get some foothold and sufficient balance to keep going forth. My periods of rebelliousness and times of frustrations have taught me to seek peace instead of concrete answers so, through God’s grace which I’m still prayerfully searching to understand and mainly, to receive it gratefully and humbly, anger never had a chance to take root in me.

Correct me if I’m wrong,  but Anger is never a guest we gingerly invite or seek after as we do happiness, right?  So, as I gradually experienced difficult and painful challenges [and I’m only referring to my personal physical test], I began recognizing sweet and wonderful mercies, new understanding and, how I was being compensated by the Lord in ways we rarely acknowledge.  Along with spiritual growth, whether in spurts or long cold and sad seasons, I had the rich blessing of a strong and God-loving family and,  long-suffering friends  that bore with me and continue while I learn my lessons in the valleys of mortality.

I must mention again my indomitable grandmother and, admit, I was especially spoiled by her, but never to the point where I was allowed to have many pity parties!  God save us if she didn’t scream at me or my sisters “What the [bleep]l is wrong now!” more than a thousand times over when either of us were having a tantrum! Her question was never really a question but rather the insinuation, “you better have a good reason for this tantrum.”  We all understood what  her underlying motive “Stop that [bleep], I don’t want to hear it!” [always out of the kindness of her heart, of course].

Too often, I believe, our anger is rooted in fear, hurt, the sad misconception that  it’s you against me or vice versa. Also, life’s unknown’s  can easily convert themselves  into anger—especially if we have a need to be in control.

   Feeling sorry for myself was never a practice  grandmother permitted, and like millions can easily relate to,, I’d get those lectures, “Well, when I was younger than you I had to raise my younger siblings, what are you complaining about?” [we’d all roll our eyes] And one of my favorites, sad but a true one from her young life, we’d hear, “When I was younger than you, I caught influenza and polio, I was nearly paralyzed for three years!  I’d rub hot liniment on my two legs until it hurt and push myself to walk!  So, stop feeling like you’re the only one who’s suffered!”  Those were deeply annoying  words to hear at age seven when all you want is to be cuddled, however , these personal experiences from her life greatly provided a firm foundation for me to stand on with the passing years. 

Feelings of self-pity have never brought me a moments peace.. And, when I did choose to let anger rule me, I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t in this alone, that my two younger sisters were experiencing the same things, were watching and relying on my strength and example [weak as it was]. That there were other things worse out there of which I had seen with my own two young eyes full of innocence in hospitals I had been  exposed to from a very early age.

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Stepping out of ones shoes and into another’s turns your “dysfunctional” thoughts into thoughts of gratitude.  {Now, if you knew my grandmother she’d never use or agree with such politically correct terms such as dysfunctional.} To her they were either selfish or unselfish thoughts PERIOD! And, I have to agree with her. Selfishness was a huge no, no in my home.  We all contributed. No one was spared. This brings to mind Satan’s temper tantrum in the book of Moses when because of his anger over not getting his way God had  him cast out.  That’s a very selfish spirit.

Summing up, why I’m not an angry or a bitter person has a lot to do with what I wasn’t allowed to do i.e. feel sorry for myself, behave selfishly and disregard others around me. By avoiding these traps as I grew up, the easier it became to have a grateful heart, see countless mercies and innumerable ways God has reached down and sent one compensation after another.  A few of these are, an unbelievable family where principles were taught and enforced;  loyal friendships, wonderful school teachers,  stalwart examples filled my life; kind and sensitive doctors, a  country overflowing with services and resources I required, and above all,  a knock on our door around April 1970 when the Lord sent two pure, excited and kind young men wanting to share a message from God. Missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  [But that’s for another entry].

My questions to you are, do you have any of the factors/blessings I’ve mentioned here, a good family and friends, freedoms, opportunities to help someone other than your selfish wants, or have ever been helped by another? Do you know the Lord?  If you can honestly answer yes to any one or more of these, then, anger is out of the question!  Grandma would most likely chastise you straight in your face with, “What you need buddy is for God to kick your [bleep] so hard that you hit the ground!”  [and that’s  putting it mildly.]

As for the other half of the question --how I can be happy and wholeheartedly say I love life. Well, that’s a little easier in that, for one reason or another, I’ve never felt cheated out of anything really worthwhile!  I suppose, again, I can testify that it was and Is the grace of God.  I seldom focused on what I didn’t have, I was able to see the abundance in my life and that  everything was given freely. The Gospel has been the one immovable element in my life that has widened the path to my limitations.  Having a thirst for knowledge and understanding about many things has maintained my mind active and curious. The temple, its truths and,  my covenants. Having new opportunities of being not only a recipient of good things but also being a giver of my storehouse.

     Happiness is defined differently by all of us.  For example, the nurse that put in my IV yesterday asked how long had I been “this way?” Well, again, the sarcastic Debbie showed up and said “Which way, happy and beautiful?”  She smiled and answered politely,, “Forty-four years!”  Immediately her reaction was a pat on my arm [which I despise fervently] and her reply was how sorry she was.  I asked her, “Why, do I seem sad about it?”  That made her face twitched and feel uncomfortable.  The brief encounter ended in my telling her I had even gotten married! Shock!  Her next question was “But, how can that be, what can you do?”  I knew she was directly insinuating SEX!  I was cool though, “Oh, I said, I can love and am pretty good at it, too.”  Another wave of shock with apprehension.  I think that stopped her in her dysfunctional tracks!

I’m happy because I love and am loved. I think that’s why it’s so important to the Lord to have us love Him first and foremost so we get a taste of an unselfish love and, secondly, to love our neighbor so that taste becomes familiar and too good to stop desiring it!   Happiness has never been having everything or understanding all the why’s of life, it’s never been having a wild imagination and daydreaming either.  Happiness has often been facing a situation and having another’s support, finding a solution, forgiving quick, looking to God as I fret and suddenly getting a prayer answered.  Surrounding myself with those things I will take with me when God calls me Home.

My questions to you are, how do you define happiness, is it the passing or the long lasting kind; would you rate your life as a wealthy life in those things you can take with you after mortality?