"WHEN DEATH’S DOOR OPENS: Mama’s Last Day”

“At funerals our tears are genuine, but not because of termination-rather because of interruption. Though just as wet, our tears are not of despair but are of appreciation and anticipation. Yes, for disciples, the closing of a grave is but the closing of a door which later will be flung open with rejoicing.” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell; "'All Hell Is Moved,'" p. 181)

      If anyone would’ve told me Mama would be the first to leave this earth and leave us three daughters in this journey, I’d have laughed in the idiocy of such a contemplation uttered.  Now that it makes five years this day, it’s still inconceivable.  Five years is but a twinkling of an eyes in heaven’s grandiosity. Nevertheless, five years for me, has felt like a millstone around my neck.

    Mama had arrived home after being hospitalized for three days due to the beginning of an pneumonia but they had cleared it up enough to send her home comfortably and secure the situation was stable. The house always had an unnatural feeling without Mama’s presence and so it remains, for me, again.

   The twenty-fifth of June, 2006 started as natural as routine for all of us. It was a beautiful Sabbath day, the regular nursing care was here and everything ran smooth to what “smooth” can be considered in the Avila household. Mama was an early riser so by six I could hear her nurse getting her breakfast and her TV sounding quite vibrantly with “The Spoken Word with The Mormon Tabernacle.”  I felt a deep sense of peace and a prayer of gratitude that Mama was back in her normal surroundings.  That day had a strange twist to it, especially in the fact that dad stayed with her all afternoon and evening after arriving from church. There were no meetings or choir practice to attend to, nothing pressing, so he sat by her bed and they watched the Lakers, a movie and had lunch together which was never common.  By what I was told from a reliable source, Mama was in deep serenity and with a countenance of contentment, and peace. Healthwise everything was stable.  We four, Liza, Tanya, Mama and I were always keeping tabs on each other through the nurses, caregivers, phone or letters.  No one was ever ignorant as to each other's going on.

    Late that night Tanya called Mama from her place downstairs and they chatted about the usual when out of the blue mama said, “Tanya , I don’t want to die.” Tanya reassured her that everything was all right, asked mama if she felt ill again and the reply was no, that she was feeling well but very tired.  Tanya kept calming mama’s unfounded fears and told her to rest, that all would be fine. 

   Now, I’ve always heard and firmly believed that the Lord gives us certain presentiments and feelings as to when our time on earth is coming full circle.

Mama was no exception.  That night, around one or so, her nurse woke me up and told me Mama was very restless, hallucinating and talking with her dad. This didn’t shock me, Mama always talked out loud to her father and had many dreams about him, so, my suggestion was to give her a tea and her anxiety relaxer  but, that didn’t help much. Her conversation with her father continued till dawn. The nurse was clearly beside herself since Mama’s vital signs were normal yet she was extremely nervous and anxious. Six in the morning woke me up with a tap on my shoulder by the nurse asking for a sleeping pill Mama was asking for. I was disturbed by this, she seldom had a problem in getting to sleep. I acceded with the condition that she only take half if she asked for it again. Nearly eight, she aroused and asked for the pill and kept saying “I’m so tired, I need to sleep, I need to sleep.”  She was administered less than half of the pill, gently she started drifting off. Dad got to her room a few minutes after eight and she told him, “I'm just tired, I need to sleep, it hurts here.” She pointed to her heart. Dad can’t seem to ever react to these matters so, he asked me what to do, I asked him to check her blood pressure and color.  Obviously, it had shot down but not very much though she was very pale. “Call 911,” I said.  Her caregiver rushed into my room with tears, “What do I do?”   Dad had stepped out to his room as my caregiver Angelica and Mama’s caregiver Eli, went to check on Mama, Dad returned to her room at the same time, seconds after, he stood by my bedside and broke down, “She’s gone.” Angelica just looked at her and knew and sauntering into my room with streaming tears, she spoke in a hush, “your mother isn’t there anymore Debbie.”

Overwhelmed, hearing my sister Liza’s loud sobs, I remember repeating “Go wake her up, go!”   I can’t help but think of Lazarus death and the desperation of his devoted sisters Martha and Mary.  Allow me to share these verses with you.  Watch the Savior’s reaction as well as Martha’s strengthened faith, and Mary’s humbling reach.  I urge you to read the full chapter.

·         John 11: 1-5;11-45

·         1Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister ^aMartha.

·         2^a(It was that Mary which anointed the ^bLord with ^cointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.)

·         3Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.

·         4When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the ^aglory of God, that the Son of God might be ^bglorified thereby.

·         5Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.

·         11These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may ^aawake him out of sleep.

·         12Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall ^ado well.

·         13Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.

·         14Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.

·         15And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may ^abelieve; nevertheless let us go unto him.

·         16Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellowdisciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him.^a

·         17Then when Jesus came, ^ahe found that he had lain in the grave four days already.

·         18Now Bethany was nigh unto Jerusalem, about fifteen ^afurlongs off:

·         19And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.

·         20Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met him: but Mary sat still in the house.

·         21Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

·         22But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will ^agive it thee.

·         23Jesus saith unto her, Thy brother shall rise again.

·         24Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day.

·         25Jesus said unto her, I am the ^aresurrection, and the ^blife: he that ^cbelieveth in me, though he were ^ddead, yet shall he ^elive:

·         26And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never ^adie. Believest thou this?

·         27She saith unto him, Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the ^aSon of God, which should come into the world.

·         28And when she had so said, she went her way, and called Mary her sister secretly, saying, The Master is come, and calleth for thee.

·         29As soon as she heard that, she arose quickly, and came unto him.

·         30Now Jesus was not yet come into the town, but was in that place where Martha met him.

·         31The Jews then which were with her in the house, and comforted her, when they saw Mary, that she rose up hastily and went out, followed her, saying, She goeth unto the grave to weep there.

·         32Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

·         33When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,

·         34And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

·         35Jesus wept.

·         36Then said the Jews, Behold how he ^aloved him!

·         37And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?

·         38Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a ^astone lay upon it.

·         39Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

·         40Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the ^aglory of God?

·         41Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I ^athank thee that thou hast heard me.

·         42And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast ^asent me.

·         43And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, ^aLazarus, come forth.

·         44And he that was ^adead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a ^bnapkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

·         45Then many of the Jews which came to Mary, and had seen the things which Jesus did, believed on him.

My craving  and desperate cry to have someone awake Mama gives me a glimpse into the type and quality of faith, hope and trust I had at that moment, I compare it to that of a child. It brought Martha and Mary’s test of faith on Jesus’ words, that if they’d  just believe , they would see His power and love manifested right before their eyes. I kept rehearsing this in my mind “Debbie, keep this faith alive, (in Jesus Christ) and I, too, would see God’s power and promise fulfilled. One beautiful spectacular day, my beloved Mama would arise, healthy and happy as I see her in my mind’s eye, too. And, that I would and will no longer cry.

    I recently came across a wonderful scripture verse that has caused me to rejoice.  Psalms 126:5 ”Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Deni  Foster in her blog, shares her viewpoint on this scripture verse beautifully. “We often read, “As you sow, so shall you reap.” - yet here, God gives us something different to hold on to.  Something hopeful.  Many of us who face chronic challenges sow many tears.  How good it is to know that God tells us that the tears that we sow are not in vain - one day, they will manifest themselves in joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to even consider the concept of joy.  Yet, Scripture tells us much about joy - and that it is joy that God wants for us.  So many of our plights are the result of living in a fallen world.  So many things we have so little control over.

Yet, tucked away in the book of Psalms is this short verse, promising us we will one day know joy.  Our tears will not have been shed in vain - in fact, they are preparing the way for our future joy.

I once heard a saying that we don’t know what “good” feels like, until the pain goes away.  I’d have to say ‘Amen’ to that.  I took so much for granted when my health was good.  Simply picking up my purse and walking out the door to the car has changed into a production number of walkers, and chairlifts, emergency bags for unexpected allergic reactions, medications.  Looking back, I now know what ‘good’ was - and I didn’t even know it.

Yet, I do believe I will still see good in this lifetime.

The Psalmist told us in  Psalm 27:13,  “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”

It may not be the goodness we expect.  But it will be the goodness of the Lord - and it will be here - in the land of the living.

That gives me hope.  It fills me with anticipation of things to come.

This unexpected event, though mentally understood and spiritually accepted and comforted by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, this “graduation to our higher education” has jolted us all into personal growth.

       We are taught by the Lord Himself how we are to live and relate to each other as family and friends and children of God.   “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die...” ( Doctrine and Covenants 42:45)

     For me, Mama remains very close, her presence highlights my everyday as I seek to follow her examples. I do weep for my loss as a daughter and yet, I can and do rejoice that we lived together in love through the bitter and the sweet forty-five years. I am grateful that she lived a quiet and righteous life and has ultimately been encircled in the arms of the Lord’s love.

     It’s a tough day for my sister and I.  Nevertheless, as sisters, we cling to each other in the knowledge that Mama continues to watch over us.  I love these words: “Death is a mere comma, not an exclamation point!” (Ensign, May 1983, p. 11 Elder Neal A. Maxwell)